HAPPY SELF-LOVE DAY!!
Feb. 13th & 14th, 2009
Rules are here, but basically I am supposed to declare something that I love about myself and then ask you, however many of you are out there, what you love about me, and suggest that maybe you repost this to your own blog.
Right now, at this moment, the thing I love the most about myself is my passion. It gets me into trouble sometimes and I don’t often express it very well (especially when speaking, I am a much better writer than speaker), but it is what leads me through life. I do things that I am passionate about and if I’m not passionate about something then I question it and try to make changes.
When women’s lives are better around the world, the world is better for it. When a woman gets a chance to thrive, she will help her community thrive. Her children and her neighbours will be all the better for her chance.
People who think women are lesser beings forget where they came from.
Because every girl should have the chance to think about silly things, like her hair or that boy she likes or what dress she’s going to wear.
Yesterday I was finally tagged in the Facebook meme that has been going around. The meme requires you to post a list of 25 things that your friends may or may not know about you. The post took my all day as I tried to think of things that were not obvious to everyone.
It occurred to me while I was doing this exercise that I am very lucky to have the time to dwell on these sorts of things. Self-analysis is not something many people have time for, even less right now, but my job is secure and so is my husband’s, we make good money, we have a home and groceries and no one to think of but ourselves and our dog.
I am blessed to have these people in my life, and I am blessed that I am able to spend so much time worrying about the little things instead of the big things, which tend to be too far in the future to really sweat over.
Anyway, if you’re interested, here are my 25 things:
1) I believe in fate. I know that unless I had made all the decisions I have made I woulnd’t be where I am now, and I like where I am now no matter how hard some of those decisions were.
2) I also believe in ghosts and angels, but I’m not sure if I believe in God.
3) I believe that I am very forgettable. That’s why I don’t approach people that I’ve met before very often, even when I see someone I went to high school with.
4) This may be why I am so bad at staying in touch with people after I’ve left a place.
5) I love my grandfather more than anyone else on earth.
6) I never thought anyone like Joe would come along and it still confuses me that he chose me.
7) I am incredibly passive aggressive. I often say rude things to people on the street under my breath. It makes me feel better.
8) I love Ottawa. I have tried to leave five times and I always come back. I think it’s a beautiful city, despite the occasionally freezing temperatures.
9) I hate making mistakes and I really hate having mistakes that I know I’ve made pointed out to me.
10) I worry every day that I’ve lost the ability to write fiction. It makes me think I’ve lost everything that I was when I was little.
11) I am very clumsy and uncoordinated, but I have only fractured one bone in my life and never broken any.
12) I love to bake and cook, but only when I have time.
13) I love bad movies, especially bad chick flicks, I also love movies that make me cry. I have watched Steel Magnolias several hundred times.
14) I love puns. I love stupid jokes. I make a bad joke and giggle away at myself.
15) I think one of the reasons that I dote on Henry so much is because I feel guilty about the life Daphne had, and I want him to live for a long, long time.
16) I have lived a lot of life in very few years (I didn’t really start until I was 19) and it bothers me that a lot of people don’t know that much about me.
17) I have four tattoos, each one of them represents something about me. I don’t regret any of them and I want more. I also take a certain amount of pleasure in the surprise people show when they find out about my tattoos.
18) It is almost impossible for me to go to sleep when Joe isn’t there. I stay up very late until I am too tired to fight it anymore and I usually leave the TV or some music on.
19) I consider myself a feminist even if I did change my last name when I got married.
20) I love being alone: Eating out alone, going to movies alone, shopping alone – I always have. If I don’t get a certain amount of alone time I become a very nasty person.
21) Despite my lifelong commitment to being comfortable by myself, since we’ve been together I like to be alone while Joe is in the house.
22) I was comfortable with my body until I hit my 20s and it bothers me that I don’t have that same comfort level now, but I’m working on it.
23) My family is very good at being apart for a long time and coming back together as though we all just saw each other yesterday.
24) Babies terrify me. I don’t like holding them, I don’t know how to talk to them or how to play with them, but I still want my own.
25) I love being barefoot, or at least without shoes.
ETA: I thought of a #26 – I love to drive. Driving across the country by myself with my music blaring and no real plan or where I was going to end up on any given day (except that I had a final destination and a timeline) was one of the best times of my life – and a #27 – I have an Ottawa Valley accent, it’s not a strong one but I catch myself sometimes and I love it.
Another thing I am thankful for: It is now February, which means my birthday is this month, but that’s beside the point, what it really means is that I accomplished two goals that I set for myself at the beginning of January.
Last month I decided that I wanted to check off something else from my life list, that being “Write every day.” I decided that every day in January I would either blog or writer in my journal, or both and I accomplished that – though there was one day that I allowed myself to count something I had written for work, but I don’t think that’s really cheating and I get to define the terms of my life list, so there.
Another thing I wanted to accomplish in January was to not buy any magazines all month. Magazines are a big time waster for me, I’d really rather be reading books. They also cost a lot and considering that there are only two or three magazines that I actually read all the way through they really are a waste. It is now February 1 and I have not purchased any magazines this month – not even knitting magazines, which I was going to allow myself under the terms I had set – and I’ve discovered that I really didn’t miss them, which to me means that these publications weren’t adding very much to my life. I am also in the middle of reading two books that I am thoroughly enjoying and that I never thought I would get through because I usually only read books on the bus – and we haven’t had bus service here for 51 days.
So, I will probably continue to not buy magazines (except for knitting magazines, and Bitch and Bust – those being the ones with a majority of content that I actually read). Maybe I’ll even come up with something to do with the $30 odd that I’m saving like, say, an RRSP contribution. I will also continue to write more than not, and maybe there will be days that I will force myself for the good of the writing, because eventually I’d like to go back to fiction and there’s no better practice.
I am making another attempt at losing weight right now. Husband and I have started going to the gym and I start sessions with a personal trainer on Monday – which I am both looking forward to and dreading, because I am out of shape and I’m worried that I won’t be able to handle what he throws at me.
Thinking optimistically, this should make me fell all the better when I finish and am in much better shape and can handle the next step up. For instance, I love doing the treadmill and playing my music loud and just pounding out my frustration and working through the ‘I can’t’ part of myself, and on Thursday after work I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill for the first time in my life – usually I just power walk.
All this being said, I am going to the gym partly for my health, of course, because I don’t want to get cancer and I want to have babies – two goals currently under threat by my weight – but there is something else spurring me on: I want to have style.
I love clothes. I get this trait from my maternal grandmother who used to love to shop, for herself and for us. My love of clothes means that I buy a lot of clothes, I have a lot of days when I get frustrated because nothing looks good on me, and I always feel as though I don’t look quite as good as the people around me. One of the most frustrating things is having my weight fluctuate so I never look the same way in the same outfit twice. It always seem as though my pants are either too tight or falling down, never in between. I look at clothes in stores and fall in love with them, only to find that I’m bigger than the store’s biggest size – or in the case of plus-size stores, smaller than their smallest size.
I want to be one of those women that looks put together and professional, I want to be able to shop at any store and find beautiful things to wear that fit me and I want to be able to go into my closet and find beautiful outfits that fit and go together.
I am not a person that’s comfortable buying thin clothes and fat clothes, but I do have a skirt in my closet right now that I bought when it just almost fit, and I’m hoping that by the spring it will fit perfectly – I look forward to wearing it with a bright white blouse and some snazzy shoes. That picture will help me push through. That picture and the big blue eyes my baby will look at me with.
If there is one thing that I am, absolutely and irrefutably, it is a proud Canadian. I am unfailingly proud of what this country is and what it can be and it hurts me greatly when I am disappointed in the choices we make.
As proof of this, my first tattoo was a red maple leafs, which was soon joined by the red, black and white Canadian hockey logo. I got the first when I was already 20, but I had been planning to get it for four years at that point. I tell people that each of my tattoos mean something to me and says something about how I ended up where I am, and it’s the truth, but the one that says what I have been, am now, and will always be, is that red maple leaf.
That being said, looking at the way things are here and the way things are there, I have the urge now to drop everything and move to the States. I am inspired by the new President. More than almost anyone before him he makes me want to take on the world and prove what my generation can do to save us all.
He restored my faith that there are people in politics who say what they mean, act on what they say, and have the ability to win power while maintaining their beliefs.
I believe that President Obama is the man that he presents to the world.
Here in Ottawa we see mostly the opposite. My wrath flows towards a mayor who still thinks that we are simply being inconvenienced by a strike that has made everyone’s life more difficult (though he is not alone in blame, the union leader is also an asshat); a Prime Minister who doesn’t seem to see anything wrong in declaring that he will never ever do something and then turning around and doing it anyway. (My rant: The PM declared, when he was elected, that he would never name Senators unless they were elected in some fashion, in fact he was going to not name any Senators until the Senate was an elected body, the plan being that gradually the upper house would empty out and Senators would not be able to do any work. Then, of course, he found himself at risk of losing power and declared that the Senate wasn’t functioning (through his own design) and named 18 unelected Senators so his party would still have some power).
I am tired of the political game, of the way it works because that’s the way it works, because it is. I want inspiration and real debate instead of name calling. I want truth and trust and cooperation. I want what they have.
I am as taken with the new President as everyone else – I look forward to seeing what he will do now that he’s in office and I expect my kids to ask me where I was when Obama was elected (I went to see Spamalot that night, but was home by the time it was official, for the record).
I cried that night, and I cried again today because as pessimistic and cynical as I am, he makes me believe that he can do what he’s setting out to do.
But more than the President, I am growing ever-fonder of the new First Lady. It started with the now infamous terrorist fist jab fist bump that she gave him after he won the nomination. I am incredibly impressed with her style, her composure, her honesty (that whole proud American thing that she took a beating for), but of all her beauty and strength, intelligence and accomplishments, I am most impressed with her marriage. Watching the inauguration ceremony today I was drawn completely to her face and the pride she exuded while she held the Bible for hom to take the oath of office.
I have no doubt that these two are equal partners who share everything with each other and believe in nothing more than the strength of their family and their love for each other and their beautiful daughters.
When he walked on stage tonight at the inaugural ball his first words to the crowd were “Hello American. Now first of all, how good looking is my wife?”
And all I can think is that I want to be like Michelle Obama and I want my marriage to be like hers in sixteen years.
1) I signed up for a gym membership and 12 sessions with a personal trainer who will both kick my butt and teach me the best way to exercise so that I can drop the weight that I want off my body. I am hoping that paying for the membership and the training, having the training and having access to a treadmill (my favourite piece of exercise equipment) will push me to move instead of all the other things that I do. Instead of shopping, I go to the gym, instead of vegging out and watching crappy television, I go to the gym.
2) I went to see the movie Milk. I knew something about Harvey Milk, but I didn’t know about Proposition 6, a bill that set out to fire homosexuals from their jobs, specifically from teaching jobs, just for being openly gay because they didn’t want the kids catching ‘gay.’ The sad thing about all this was that you couldn’t sit back and laugh about the backwards thinking of 30 years ago because we all know that there are still people who believe exactly that. Things like this make me want to be a fighter like Harvey Milk.
“All young people, regardless of sexual orientation or identity, deserve a safe and supportive environment in which to achieve their full potential.”
When I entered my first year of journalism at Loyalist College they took us on a day long session at a local park. During that session each of the first years had to state where they wanted to be after they graduated from the program. When my turn came I declared that I wanted to be working for The Hockey News.
At some point during my two years at the school one of my professors declared that I was too good for The Hockey News.
If I knew then what I know now I would have altered my course back then. I would have learned quickly that reporting on sports would take a lot of the joy out of watching them for me. That working my way up the ranks would force me to cover sports that I didn’t enjoy or didn’t understand that well.
If I knew all that then I would have set my sights on being a political reporter – a political reporter the likes of David Akin – running around Ottawa and asking the tough questions, delving deeper into the stories, researching the fact and really informing people.
But then, I guess, that job would annoy me as much as anything else, because there are always the people who don’t care to be informed.
If you’ll excuse my language.
I was just reading through an article about reasons to slim down and change eating habits and I realized just how much it needs to register with me. I need to get past the facts that I am unhealthy, I am diseased and my body it working against me. I need to just accept that it’s going to be really hard this time – even harder than last time and last time it wasn’t easy at all.
I need to constantly remind myself what the crap that I put into my body is doing to me – the chocolate, the pop, the sugar, the chips, the fast food – all the things that I grew up eating without thought to what effect it was all having.
I need to clean out my junk drawers at home and at work and just start working hard on getting my body back into gear so that I can get on with my life.
I have plans.