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I am formula feeding my baby.
I didn’t plan it and I’ve been afraid to say it out loud. In fact, the three health professionals that I have talked to about it have seen me get teary-eyed. It was a decision I came to after several very difficult days and I am terrified of being judged for not trying hard enough to breastfeed. I do believe I tried, and I will always ask myself if I could have done better or tried harder or started differently, but in the end I was too worn down and too emotional to continue trying to force myself on my baby.
In truth, things seemed to be going well early on. When she was born there were questions as to whether she was tongue-tied and the first time I tried to latch her I was suddenly surrounded with three women and their grabby hands who made things more uncomfortable and more difficult as far as I’m concerned. (I actually ended up with bruises from this help). On her third day of life we went back to the hospital because she was showing signs of jaundice. On her fourth day of life she was still jaundice, she was dehydrated and she was lethargic.
Everyone was asking if my milk had come in – it hadn’t – and the midwife and pediatrician agreed that she was too dehydrated and it was making the jaundice worse and we needed to start with formula. And I kept waiting for my milk to come in.
And waiting.
And suddenly it did and suddenly I was in a situation where I had to feed her from the breast and then supplement with the bottle and then pump to get my supply up and it was emotionally and physically draining. After a few days and some very difficult conversations I decided that it was worse for me to continue breastfeeding than it was to feed her formula. I knew, and my care providers knew, that I was at risk for postpartum depression and I’ve dealt with depression long enough to know my own symptoms and recognize the signs and the pressure, frustration and exhaustion were driving me right down that spiral. My mother put it best when she told me to let myself off the hook.
It is better for my baby to have a healthier mother that feeds her formula than it is for her to have a depressed, non-functioning mother that feeds her breastmilk.
But I’m still afraid. Every time I pull out a bottle in public I’m afraid that people are judging me. I’ve known too many people that judge others on their decisions without bothering to ask why those decisions were made. I know too many women now that fight for the rights of breastfeeding mothers to think that in the back of their mind, they won’t all be thinking that I should have tried harder, that I should have pushed through, that I should have realized it would get easier.
And I respect those women. I believe breastfeeding mothers should be proud. It takes work and dedication and bravery. And in all honesty, I wonder if I will be judged as weak for not being a breastfeeding mother. I feel weak. I feel as though breastfeeding activists will judge me for not loving my daughter enough to work through my own issues, but I have to love her enough to forgive myself and move on.
Wendy
/ February 5, 2010. . . and you should be proud too.
We adopted our bundle of joy and anguish and yes, adoptive mothers can breastfeed, but this would not have been the right decision for our sick, underweight, travelling little scrap of mortality, or for us. Gallons of formula later she is a bright, healthy (maybe still underweight)12 year old despite her difficult start.
Does not take many years to gain perspective on these decisions that feel so vastly important early on. I have other regrets (and indeed breastfeeding might have been good for ME) but I never worry about all those bottles.
We all like to see mothers and babies out and about, it’s part of our shared humanity, so don’t assume criticism when people watch you. But if anyone from the breast-feeding mafia does tut-tut at you send ‘em my way. I’ve coped with a lot – I’ll cope with them too.
Wendy
Annie @ PhD in Parenting
/ February 5, 2010I’m probably one of the biggest lactivists out there. What that means is that I will fight to reduce the barriers that breastfeeding moms face (including “help” that leaves bruises…I had that too). It also means that I will speak out when I hear anyone tell a breastfeeding mom that she should give up because it is no one’s decision but hers.
I believe in choice, I believe in supporting moms, and I believe in giving big hugs to those for whom the barriers were just too great.
Fearless Formula Feeder
/ February 5, 2010Huge hugs to you.
I relate so much to this post – we had many of the same issues. My son was actually tongue tied, but a frenulectomy still didn’t solve the problem. I also struggled with PPD. The whole situation was heartbreaking. And then I had many months where I fought inner battles daily – I saw my child thriving, I felt so much better – and it was all due to formula. Formula, the evil substance I was so against my whole life as someone who’d always wanted to nurse.
Things have changed a lot since then, and I’ve come to realize that food is just food, and love is just love. The manner in which you feed your baby has nothing to do with how good a mother you are or how well you provide for your child. I hope you will come to believe that – it took me awhile, so I know how hard it can be.
I invite you to check out my blog – http://www.fearlessformulafeeder.blogspot,com – this is what we talk about all the time, and I try and help moms come to terms with formula feeding and understand that it is a perfectly good choice. Regardless – hang in there – and congrats for coming out of the formula closet!
Chantal
/ February 5, 2010I went through the exact same experience with my 1st son (and a similar one with my 2nd). My first, my milk was slow coming in, he got severely dehydrated and I lost my shit. I was so depressed I tried but I could not recover from the late milk and the formula that he had come to be used to.
My 2nd I did the BF, pump, formula feed thing and it was so much work. After a few weeks I tried only BF’ing and he started to lose weight again. Again I couldn’t do it. If i had wanted to keep it going I would have had to continue pumping and feeding. I was exhausted and it wasn’t fair to my older son.
I support you in your decision. You are making the right one for you and your child. And I for one, do not look down on any woman feeding her child with a bottle. I support you and them. Please don’t beat yourself up. You are doing the right thing.
FWIW I have just had my 3rd child and for some reason this time my milk came in at a normal time and I am able to BF.
Kimu
/ February 5, 2010Was born with bilateral cleft lip and palate.
It took 8 months for them to discover that a syringe was the only way I could consume anything at all.
To make matters worse, mom was a nurse. Imagine the guilt of being a nurse, and not being able to take care of an infant.
Mom and I get along swell.
And I can tie my shoelaces just fine, thank you.
Catherine
/ February 5, 2010I think you’re awesome. You made the right decision to take care of yourself so that you could take care of your baby. Under the same circumstances, I made a different decision, I stuck with it, and honestly I wonder quite frequently if it was the right one. I did go into a depression, a pretty bad one, and there was infections and cursing and crying for weeks, and I’m still convinced the kid is going to have an eating disorder one day, because he spent the first 2 months of his life watching me sob while he was nursing. Once, while nursing, he looked up at me where I was alternatively sobbing and cursing out loud like a trucker from the pain, and I looked into his eyes and said “Uh-oh.” He was watching so studiously, as if in that very instant he was learning something about life. It’s a moment I will never forget, and I wish that I could.
Some kind of Wondermom
/ February 18, 2010Your story is all too familiar. You made the decision that was right for you and your baby at the time, and I don’t think you should feel bad about that.
Karen
/ April 6, 2010I found out less than a week before my son was born that a pre-existing condition I had – and the fact that I was going to have to have a c-section – could make it difficult for me to breastfeed. I was a little worried, but I think part of me thought I’d be one of the lucky ones whose hormones wouldn’t interfere.
I was pretty devastated when I wasn’t one of the lucky ones. I had to take prescription drugs and herbal supplements just to build up to 4oz. in an entire day. After two months of pumping and supplementing, when the prescription ran out, I let it go. I kept breastfeeding him until I dried up. All the lactation consultants told me that I probably wouldn’t ever be able to build up a supply enough to feed my hefty little boy (10.5lbs at birth). I gave him what I could and I know he benefited from it. In the end, what was more important was that I could give him my time, attention and love without the constant distraction of trying to produce milk. Today, he’s a healthy, happy two-year-old and also a budding genius.