My brain has broken.
I have been through so much – we as a family have been through so much – over the past several years with no breaks. Moving from loss to loss, stress to stress. Even when we took a break we were hit hard on the way back.
Family trip to Cuba, got back February 21, 2020. Started hearing about this Coronavirus thing.
My father died seven years ago, and since then we’ve lost five more family members, plus our beloved dog. I’ve left two jobs for my own health and wellbeing. We’ve moved twice. We’ve been through hell and back with anxiety.
Just over a year ago we moved into this house in this town and hoped that we would make it. A stressful sale, a stressful move, a busy time at my work, followed by another busy time, and it has just never stopped being busy. I haven’t taken vacation since last October. I haven’t slowed down.
I think I’ve been on the edge of burnout since 2017 and I have never stopped. The days when I would work until 4 pm and then go to bed, the days I would spend crying at my computer. The days I would spend just being angry. So, so very angry.
Last Monday, I had such a bad reaction that I made an appointment with my doctor and she prescribed me two weeks of stress leave. On Friday, as I counted down the hours, I was physically shaking. There was so much panic in my body, trying to get things done, trying to manage the stress, trying not to let down my team – even though each time I talked to someone they told me how glad they were I was doing this for myself, and that they thing I will come back stronger and better.
And I worry about the people who will think I am weak. But I know what I have been living through for years and how much I have tried to push through. And how much my brain has tried to fuck with me and lie to me.
On Saturday, I sat on the couch shaking, tears in my eyes, because my brain is broken – I am broken – and I have two weeks and I don’t know how to make it work.
I’m exhausted, and I stammer and trip over my words, I shake and I panic, and I am so scared that at the end of two weeks I will still feel this way. That I will have proven to myself that broken is just what I am and what I will always be.