It feels like I’m making plans for January too early, but it is – unbelievably – right around the corner.

We’re now on lockdown for the next month or so, and I’m thinking about the projects I’ve got ahead of me.

I’ve now got a goal of not spending any money through the month of January – I’ve got online classes to take, books to read, yarn to knit.

I’ve got fabric that I’m hoping to turn into a quilt. I’m not entirely sure how that’s going to happen, but I can’t possibly mess it up too badly. I’ve got a few stitches cast on for an eventual shawl.

I have at least three self-help style books I want to read in an attempt to break through some barriers, and I have another 50 miles before I finish the virtual run I started in November. I’d like to think I can earn that medal before the end of January.

I’ve decided to read all the Inspector Rebus books in the right order, because so far I’ve been reading them willy-nilly. It’s a reachable goal. Though the number of books I’ve read has been boosted over the past two years by the six or seven I read during my week in Cuba, which likely won’t happen this year.

I miss Cuba. I miss New York City. I want sunshine and pools and live theatre. I miss having the house to myself sometimes.

I’ve succeeded in making a few changes over the past couple of months. I’ve been focused on taking a big drink every time I fill my water bottle, I’ve switched to tea in the mornings because I just wasn’t enjoying coffee any more.

For a short time I had breakfast under control, but the high levels of anxiety and the effect of a major global pandemic on my mental health has meant that I often forget to eat. When I do remember I have to focus on quick and easy things – and I often focus on things that give me pleasure to coax myself to eat.

Basically I have made way too many Christmas cookies in the past month.

I feel wrecked.

There was a period of time at the beginning of all this that I was doing better. I was waking up early, getting my exercise in. Since them I have completely fallen apart multiple times. It almost feels like I can take control of one part of my life but not more than one. Busy and productive at work, completely useless everywhere else.

In my mind’s eye I see better. There really is no such thing as work-life balance, I know this, but a little bit of something close would be great.

I want to grab hold of some things. I need it. I want to have come out of this having improved, learned, overcome.

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