My body is well and truly fucked up.
I have carpal tunnel in my right wrist after waiting too long to ask for a proper desk set-up at work a few years ago. I have tendonitis in my right elbow that occasionally gets so painful it feels as though I’m actually going to dislocate the thing. I have bad knees and have had my whole life because I was, apparently, born with my kneecaps in the wrong place.
(My knees crack loudly whenever I squat down and many times in high school people would turn around, alarmed looks on their faces and say ‘are you okay?’ It was good fun).
Of course, I have PCOS, which makes many things wacky, and also makes it that much harder to lose weight – which adds on to all the other problems.
And for a little while now I’ve been dealing with back pain.
It started out as annoying, but now there are days when it can be quite debilitating. Like today.
If I try to walk too far – especially if I’m not wearing good shoes – or stand up for too long my lower back and hips start to protest. It happens most often when I’m trying to get things done in the kitchen, which requires standing and moving around a small area.
Some days I can do the 20 minute walk with the dog around the block, and sometimes I barely make it home. At least once I’ve had to sit down for a few minutes before I did make it home.
I’ve seen my doctor and now gone to a physiotherapist, and they tell me that the solution is to lose weight.
Because that appears to be the solution to anything and everything a fat person might have wrong with them, and because it is so easy to just go ahead and do that.
And as walking has long been my exercise of choice, where do I go from here?
Sometimes I can and sometimes I can’t, but I never know what kind of day it’s going be.
I need hikes and yoga but I don’t know how capable I am of either right now. I need better sleep and better meals, but I’m still fighting with every fibre of my being. We’re in a pandemic and adding hard changes on top of everything that’s already hard seems impossible.
But so does carrying on in this brutal fashion.