Soon I turn 39.

It seems utterly absurd, because in my brain I’m not a grown up. My mental age is about 17, I think.

But I also know I’m not 17 because I’ve been married for almost 13 years and I have a 10 year old daughter. I also have vivid memories of things that happened 20 years ago or more.

When I stop to think about all the things I have done in the second half of my life it really is unbelievable. Things I never expected to do. Struggles I never thought I’d make it through.

I read on the internet: “the essence of the┬ánumber 39┬áis creativity and creative expression, tolerance, humanitarianism, inspiration and philanthropy. It also signifies imagination, communication, joy, optimism and energy.”

And so I intend to embrace that a bit, even though I have no idea what an angel number is meant to be. Creativity has been lacking in my life, as has energy.

There’s something about numbers so cleanly divided by three.

It could be that I’m almost 40, or it could be a realization that I have done many, many things in my life, but I’m coming around to the idea that I can’t be anybody but myself. (And also maybe that self deserves a little care and comfort and a bit of a break from unreasonable expectations).

I guess after 39 years I am what I am. I have been for about 10 years now. There are improvements to be made, but there always are. There are new things to think about and there always will be.

And so we carry on.

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