Life ebbs and flows and recently it’s done a lot more ebbing and a lot less flowing.
I’ve spent the last several months getting more and more frustrated and stressed and it all came crashing down around me. The crash has left me wondering, again, who I am supposed to be.
I’ve found her a few times. I have been on great paths where I have felt great about who I am and where I am and then life zigs when I zag.
But all along I have collected connections and experiences. I have great people in my life who allow me to turn to them for more advice. I am so thankful that I just wish I could be set on a path and return all those favours.
This is also a time when jealousy spikes. The other people who seem to have figured it out. The people who get to do the great things. The people who seem to have it so much easier than I do.
I have been lucky in my life. I have been in places not many people get to be in and I have formed bonds with co-workers that most people won’t ever have. (Working 16+ hour days for six weeks, making history and then having your boss die is a whole thing).
I had parents and grandparents and siblings who put value on intelligence. I want to live up to them. I want to be worthy of my family name. I want to be accomplished so that I will know that I made them proud – even though most of them would tell me I have made them proud dozens of times throughout my life.
I want to go to work every day knowing that I am doing my absolute best for a good reason. Not a single person in my family has a job that doesn’t matter to them. That is not a way of life I understand.
I want to work. I want to be working. I want to feel productive. I want to feel like I’m making a contribution.