Out of focus


Health, Issues, Personal / Wednesday, April 24th, 2019

Recently life has been a bit of a mess. We have a lot going on – sometimes it seems like more than we’ve ever had. Work and travel and a new dog, a kid with her stuff, appointments. More than once in the past three weeks I have made an appointment in one calendar and realized that I missed something in my other calendar that conflicts, which then leaves me scrambling again – rescheduling, cancelling, asking for help, apologizing and excusing myself.

It very much feels as though there hasn’t been time to breathe.

It doesn’t help that I’m fighting my worst bout of depression in at least a few years.

Today after another appointment, arranging childcare, trying to crate train the new dog, and a couple of meetings I felt quite desperate to not ever have to leave my house again. A crying session was followed by a long name, but I woke up feeling like just as much of a mess.

I made some progress this weekend but there always seems to be more to do and more to think about. More money to spend and more time. More messes and confusion. It’s all what-ifs and how-abouts and where do we go from here.

The thing about depression is that it most often makes you feel that if you were removed from the equation everything else would magically fall into place. So that’s the voice in my head a lot of the time just now.

I’m trying my best to keep to-do lists and share thoughts as they come to me so that I can level myself.

I get out of the house because the dog needs his walks, which means I’m also getting exercise. Unless it rains. He refuses to step off the front stoop if it’s raining.

I’m sometimes getting enough sleep and I’m sometimes eating well. But then sometimes I’m up at 2 am with my 9-year-old because she can’t sleep, and then I worry about how my mental health is affecting here. It’s a beautiful spiral.

I spend most of my down time watching old seasons of British panel shows that make me laugh, because laughter is good. I read in the bath. I’ve started journalling again, though I’ve missed the last two days and now I’m concerned about that.

But here we are, plodding along. Trying to keep in mind what I’m good at and the people who like me.

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