As usual last year, I set my three words I wanted to live by for 2018. I chose honest, open and brave. I said I was going to relish 2018. I had no idea that I would be ready to set everything on fire by the end of it.

I feel like I failed all of 2018 as challenges kept getting tossed my way.

I knew as the calendar changed at midnight making it 2018 that there would be losses. I knew my friend Laurie was dying, I didn’t realize she would be gone so soon in the new year. I knew my Gramps was dying, I knew that loss would tear into my soul. I assumed that we would lose our Henry in 2018, I was wrong. He continues to defy logic.

I had no idea we would lose my father-in-law. None at all. And we ended the year with a funeral.

This time last year we had no idea we would sell our house and move, and by April the decision was made and the house was on the market. We didn’t know that decision would change our life at home so drastically as my daughter faced challenges with anxiety that kept her from school. Even a few months ago we had no idea that we would be making the decision to home school while we try to sort things out for her, and here we are in January.

In 2019 it feels like we’re just wading further into uncertainty. And I don’t look back on 2018 with any clue that I was honest, open and brave. It seemed like the hits just kept coming and there was no respite.

And so my word for 2019 is resiliency, because that’s all I need. I need to rebuild myself a bit, and build the strength and stamina to face more of the challenges that seem to keep coming no matter what I do.

I had a job interview last year and the recruiter asked me where I saw myself in 10 years. I told him that if he had asked me that 10 years ago I would have been completely wrong.  Fifteen years ago and I wouldn’t have recognized this future at all. There is no way of knowing.

I am trying again. I have started 2019 by flossing, finishing a book, blogging and writing morning pages – an exercise I abandoned for no real reason in 2018. I plan to build strength and resilience with trips to the gym, time to myself, using my hands and my brain a bit more creatively. Things that I have done in the past that have made me feel like a better me and then I have allowed to disappear for no reason except I stopped.

I don’t know what January 2020 looks like. Hell, I don’t know what life will look like in March.

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