I hate the fall


Personal / Sunday, October 14th, 2018

I want to be writing. I try sometimes. I’m reading a lot and planning for my NaNoWriMo novel in the hopes that I’ll finish this year. Sometimes I open a new post on my blog and stare at it for a while. Last week, I had the dashboard open in a tab all week.

There are so many things going on. Parenting things that I don’t feel as comfortable talking about because my kid is older now. I want to share my own struggles but it’s not fair to broadcast her stuff. There is a lot of work stuff going on. It’s busy and stressful because I want to do the best I can because I feel that I have something to prove. There is health stuff going on that is confusing and frustrating. I’m not sleeping. My period is being wacky. I have tooth pain but no obvious reason for it. There is fitness stuff not happening.

This fall has not been what I anticipated

I had grand visions. We were going to get settled into the new house, school was going to get us back into routine, I was going to be sleeping on a regular schedule, walking every day, feeling better.

The house is mostly set up, but there are a bunch of little things that aren’t quite done, that I forget about until they annoy me again. There are things there aren’t quite spaces for and stuff that doesn’t quite fit. Things we’re still figuring out. A deck that still needs to get built for us – hopefully before the snow comes.

School started several weeks ago now, but no two days are the same. The kid’s anxiety has increased tenfold and we never know how a morning is going to go – sometimes we get her there easily and happily and sometimes she just can’t do it and I can’t make her. It’s hard to wake up every morning on edge and not relaxing until she’s safely with her teacher.

And there are mornings when I don’t even look in the mirror before we leave the house. I usually haven’t checked the weather, I’m probably not dressed appropriately.

It’s just day after day of busy of overwhelming.

I’m trying to focus on myself, but it feels so incredibly selfish when there is so much stuff going on. I’m trying to slow down and do the things that I know make me relax, make me focus completely on something else. But mostly I end up doing nothing but thinking about all the things I want to do for myself.

I want to demonstrate for her what it means to take care of yourself and take a step back.

Things have gotten better since two weeks ago when I wasn’t sleeping, couldn’t get up the energy to shower, making bad decisions with my eating and exercise. Things have gotten better since it was drab and rainy and I had a whole bunch of information and things to confirm for the event I’m planning for work. Now the pieces are coming together and the weather is beautiful.

But the world outside of my life is still a tire fire and sometimes it’s just too much to take. It’s hard to break out of the messages being thrown at us from the news but impossible to step away because it is so important. We can’t step down or step back, there are things to fight for.

I’d say I want to find balance, but I think balance is a myth. I’m trying to do the best I can.

 

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