False starts


Health, Parenting / Tuesday, June 19th, 2018

I am attempting morning pages – three pages of stream of consciousness writing soon after you wake up – to try and push myself forward a bit. I have been rather stuck. Stuck or falling further behind where I want to be. Losing myself.

Part of that is the move, but part of it is just going towards the easiest thing now, rather than the thing that will make my life easier tomorrow.

When I was writing my pages this morning I started thinking about starting a 5k.

I did a race a few weeks ago. Unlike previous races, I had no qualms about starting and finishing this one. I’ve done it before, I knew I could do it again. The hardest part is standing in the corrals, waiting to actually get up to the start line. I walk most of the 5k and I take up to an hour to finish, which means I’m in the last corral.

The hardest part is getting to the start line, and once you’re through that, you take your own pace and work to get to the finish.

And it only dawned on me this morning the meaning of this to the rest of my life. Because I have spent so much time avoiding the start line for fear that what I’m trying to do is too hard. When I get past that part I do okay.

The problem is that it’s all easy to forget. I forget all the things I have accomplished. I realized this a couple of years ago when I was in a job interview and they asked me for examples and my mind went completely blank. I had to start keeping a list.

And day to day, I forget my bigger goals. I do the easiest thing. I set myself back at the starting line. The hardest place to be.

In reality, I need to let myself finish. Because I am capable.

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