For the past month or so my life has been in upheaval. A few weeks ago I was in the emergency room, terrified, in pain and uncomfortable. I felt as though I might be having a heart attack. I went through a bunch of tests – and I am so thankful for the doctor who worked with me. I left that night with no answers, but a referral.
I went for that test two weeks ago and I’m waiting to hear back to see what’s next. Assuming the worst.
It was three weeks ago that my Gramps died. We went to see him the week before and had a nice visit. He didn’t talk much, but we talked to him, and he smiled and laughed and responded a few times. We knew what was coming. He died early in the morning on a Sunday and we had been planning to go and see him that day. I wanted to say goodbye – an opportunity I missed with my father.
With my father, I talked to a casket to tell him I wasn’t done with him yet. With my Gramps I could only have said thank you. Thank you for so much, throughout my life. Thank you for loving my daughter so much. Thank you for always being there, and always being proud of me.
Two weeks ago I got a tattoo in remembrance. His initials in the calligraphy he always used. The bank tellers were always impressed when he sent me cheques. And below them keep smiling, in his handwriting, from a letter he wrote to his parents from the war.
Three of their sons were overseas fighting and he told them to keep smiling. He updated them on his younger brother, asked them to send chocolate and told them to keep smiling.
I had gone in to book the tattoo a week before, and decided to get my nose pierced when I was there. Because why not a whole bunch of change all at once. If everything is falling apart, take charge of a few things you can control.
But now here I am, out of control.
I started the year off right. I was getting to the gym, I finally went to see a physiotherapist, I had plans. I’ve been launched into a tailspin. Emotionally and physically.
I miss my Dad, I miss my Gramps, I want my health back. I want time and energy. I want to feel okay for a little while.