While waiting in the emergency room the other day I posted on Instagram. I got messages from people, kind messages asking me if everything was okay, letting me know in the days since that they hope I’m feeling better.
My family has checked in – How are you feeling?
And honestly I have no idea. I feel like I don’t trust my body or my brain any more.
I was so sure that something was wrong. So sure that the pain I was feeling meant something. Now I am not feeling that. That pain is gone, that intense nausea and sudden dizziness. But there is an ongoing discomfort. There is a weight in my legs that won’t go away. A headache on and off. Deep fatigue.
I have a strong desire to get up and get things done – clean the house, go to the gym, get started at fixing whatever this is – but so far the desire to sleep has been stronger.
Much like my PCOS, my fat and my terrible sleep habits have many side effects and consequences. Of course, both could also be side effects of the PCOS itself, or they could be side effects of my depression, which itself may also be a side effect of PCOS.
What exactly is a side effect of what else is hard to say.
I remember in high school I started having headaches. Stress headaches. I went to the doctor, I started on medication. Then I started getting stomachaches. So I started on a medication for that. At some point I said no. I stopped the medications, all of them, and the problems went away.
I don’t have that option at the moment. I can’t step back to step one and see what helps and what hurts. I am the mess that I am, and I need to figure out the best ways to ease the pain and discomfort that I feel.
But I’m scared to start, because step one is going to the doctor.
To go in and have my doctor tell me, again, that losing weight will help all of this, is not something I’m looking forward to.
I know that losing weight would make other things much easier, but I also know that it’s just plain not that easy. It’s not that easy to start with when you’ve got a job and a kid and a life to manage. When you’ve got all that and PCOS, which specifically makes losing weight more difficult as one of the symptoms, it’s worse.
When you’ve got all that and someone professional implying that you’re just not prioritizing correctly, even worse.
I try to get to the gym, but sometimes the kid decides she does not want to have to come with me and I don’t have the energy for that fight. I try to eat at home more and eat better meals, but some nights there’s nothing left to do but order in. I want to get more sleep, but late at night when the house is quiet and everyone else is asleep, sometimes that time alone is all I crave.
I am well aware of the things that I need to do for myself, the things I can do for myself that will make me better, but the want and the need and the must all come together in a heap that I have to sort our, week by week.