I had been feeling a little bit nauseous all day, so I decided to have a small snack to see if not eating was part of the problem. Within half an hour I was feeling super nauseous and lightheaded, with pain radiating across my shoulder blades. I felt horrible and I felt scared. I was feeling three of the symptoms women often ignore when they are having a heart attack.

But I’m only 37. That’s stupid. I felt incredibly scared and also stupid. But the pain, fear and my husband won out and we headed to the emergency room. The kid was playing at a neighbour’s house and then my mother picked her up.

Within a short time of arriving I had an ECG and a blood test done, then waited a bit more before they brought me back to see a doctor. It wasn’t a heart attack. It could be my gallbladder. So more waiting – I don’t mind the waiting, rushing means trouble – and then IV, x-rays and an ultrasound.

My gallbladder was normal, though I might have passed a stone, which would have caused the pain and then would be gone. There was one more thing to check. A CT scan for a blood clot.

Or we could leave. What’s the risk of a blood clot, I asked. “You could die,” the doctor replied. He was very straightforward the whole night. I appreciated it.

In the end after blood work, an ECG, x-rays and ultrasound, and a CT scan, I left the hospital knowing that a few things could have been wrong, a few things still look a bit wrong, but whatever that pain was, that intense nausea, that we don’t really know.

So home I came, with no answers. I tried to sleep but struggled until about 5 o’clock in the morning.

I had told my boss, some friends, my mother. I had told them that there was something wrong, and then there wasn’t, really.

I had this answer. Gallbladder would explain pains I’ve been feeling for months, I had asked my GP about it, I have a family history. This could be why, and it would be a relatively easy fix. And then it wasn’t.

I have no fix. I have no easy answer. I have this ongoing discomfort, occasional pain, fatigue. I have a mix of things that are wrong with me, medications I have to take, and right now I feel like I have no way forward.

I take two steps and get knocked down.

Right now, after a bit of sleep, a nice bath and a bit to eat, I just feel dejected. I feel lost. I feel stupid. I feel fat and unhealthy. I feel as though I will just feel tired and weak and uncomfortable for the rest of my life.

It feels really shitty.

Maybe there’s a turning point here. Maybe there’s change ahead. But just at the moment, everything seems hard and success seems lost.

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