Don't just live in the world

A letter

February 16th, 2018 | Posted by Amy Boughner in Personal

Dear Dad,

As the French would say, you have been missing from me lately.

I’m sick. I’ve been exhausted this week and the hard things seem to be mounting. I haven’t been able to get to the gym, I haven’t been doing anything for myself, really.

Yesterday I felt happy. I woke up in the morning feeling confident and excited about work things. This morning, maybe because it was dark and rainy/snowy outside, felt bleaker. And these exciting work things are things I wish I could share with you. And overall there are a lot of conversations I wish we could have. Even more that I wish we had. I wish I had had the guts to sit down with you and ask you some real questions.

Though I now understand that you were proud of me, in the end, of where I had gotten from where I had been, I suspect that I was the child you never wanted. I think, though, that we could have gotten along well as grown ups.

I could have forgiven your mistakes and your selfishness. And my selfishness. You could have seen how much like you I am. We could have shared interests. I could have put aside unreasonable expectations.

We could be having real, intense conversations right now about all the things that are happening. You would challenge me and I would rise to meet you.

The father that you were shaped me. I never knew how much I would miss you when you were gone, I never knew how desperately I wanted to be your daughter. Sometimes I wonder if I even knew who you were.

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