The beginning of January was great.
I set out a plan and I enacted it. Not all of it, but I was getting started and it felt pretty good. Some days it felt awesome. The day my friend Laurie died I went into aquafit and punched the water with everything I had. I needed to do something.
And then the whole family got sick. It started out as an evening flu – I would be totally fine during the day and then feel awful later in the day. It came and went like this for a few days. It got better and then worse again. Now I’ve had a cough since mid-January that’s left me feeling run-down and frustrated.
And I stopped going to the gym on Tuesday, because I was afraid I wouldn’t have the strength or breath to get through the classes. I never even started going to the yoga class I put into my schedule because something always seemed to get in the way.
One Sunday night I didn’t get on the treadmill because I was so tired and sick that I just forgot I was even getting into that routine, and it’s been many Sundays since.
Now here we are in February and it feels like I’ve lost. It doesn’t help that I just took the kid for a whirlwind trip to New York City and I’ve been exhausted for days. And that the rest of February is daunting already – work trips for both of us, days full of meetings, trying to keep all our schedules straight. And a kid who just doesn’t want to go to school sometimes.
Meanwhile there’s news happening every day.
I was feeling in control for a while there, and now it feels silly that I ever thought that way.
And the things that I’m losing – those things falling first – are the things I think I need to most the get through the rest of the muck.
Writing, exercise, creative hobbies. The colour.
But I have managed to keep losing myself in books. I have managed to have something of a breakfast every morning. I have managed to complete some good work. I did manage to take my little girl on a dream trip to New York City. I have managed to drink Coca-Cola only twice in all of 2018. There were days that I was able to throw open the windows, do some cleaning and knock out some of the germs.
There is good here. Things to build on.