I did not complete NaBloPoMo. I am not going to make 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo. November, with the exception of my trip to New York, and perhaps because of the let down when I got back, has been a month of suck.

I’m not the only one who feels that way. I’ve had multiple people tell me the same. I can’t quite seem to get a handle on things. I can’t remember what day of the week it is. I certainly haven’t been able to keep the house clean.

No matter what time I wake the kid up in the morning we seem to have to rush at the end to make it to the bus, and that stresses us both out. I’ve been struggling with time. I find myself awake at 2 am and wonder how on earth it got to be so late.

I currently have a lot of desire for things to be done but no get-up-and-go. I am in a funk that I thought Nano could help me get out of, but instead I’m just frustrated that I didn’t spend the time beforehand research and prepping so I could just write.

Actually I’m frustrated with how I spend a lot of my time. So tired and so much waste.

Do you ever just feel like you fucking suck at everything?

I know so many ways that I could be better and feel better, but here I sit. Wasting time. Not being better and feeling worse. Feeling like I don’t deserve change. Knowing it’s going to be hard. Wondering what will make me feel successful or worthy. Wondering if my brain will let me get to that place.

So I say goodbye to November. I will start December in a better way. I will make an effort tomorrow.

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