I went to New York by myself, and I spent a lot of time walking around, surrounded by people but alone, listening and experiencing. I cried when it was over. Now I’m in bed, sick with a bad cold, and thinking. I’m thinking ahead. I’m thinking about my baby girl growing, and what comes next and more things I want to experience. 

Firstly I want to get back to New York. This means that I have to be smarter. I have to work smarter and save smarter. I want to focus more on experiences and less on things. I want to clean house.

Secondly, I want to walk like that. I want to develop myself into an athlete. I want my body to stop hurting. I want to feel fit and strong. I want to be able to really experience life. I don’t want to age in pain. I can’t do that to my family. I want to serve as a good example, not a warning. I want to fight my disease instead of letting it get the better of me.

Thirdly, I want to read all the books that have been sitting on my shelf waiting for me. I chose them for a reason, but there they are.

I want to actually do all the things I say I want to do. Spend my time creating. You can’t be a writer unless you write. You won’t get any better at sketching unless you sketch. I love to cook and bake once I get down and do it, and it’s good for my family. Take the fucking singing lessons I’ve wanted to take my entire life, if only to learn how to breathe properly. It should not take this much convincing to do the things that I know full well make me feel better.

I want to take classes, I want to see friends. I want to sleep like a proper human being. I need to start treating myself better instead of just treating myself.

I don’t, however, need to be harder on myself because she’s pretty mean already.

I want to work harder and develop my interests and make myself indispensable. Build my knowledge and my skills. Learn as much as I can, always.

Take time for my daughter. Take time for my marriage. Take time to give time to the issues that I care about deeply. Make the most of my days. Even if sometimes that means Netflix and mindless surfing. Or hanging out with my dog.


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