While I find it very difficult to be proud of my own accomplishments, I find it very easy to be proud of others. I also get jealous.
I take no great issue with where I am in my life. I have done a lot of things. A lot. I’m tired just thinking about it. But there is so much that I want to do, and some friends and acquaintances are getting to do those things. There are things I’ve done in the past that I miss doing, and and some friends and acquaintances are doing those things now.
I want to appear successful, even if I don’t really understand what that means, or who I want to think that about me. And, really, I don’t want the kind of success that will take my away from home and my family too often. I wouldn’t ever want to be recognized on the street or forced out of my comfort zone – also known as my house, in pyjamas.
But there is a jealousy when someone has an experience that is interesting to me, something that I am curious about, an opportunity, a job I would consider doing, something I would be curious about. I imagine jobs – how I would handle them, how I would do them, how that would change my life.
I wonder about being a powerful woman making important decisions, a huge salary, a staff.
In reality I’m not sure what I would give away to have those things, or how much I would want them once I got them, but there is a little part of me that wants to prove that I can get them, no matter what I then decide to do with myself.
It’s this curiosity, but I have to live where I am now. I have to step back and experience what I have now and enjoy it, make the most of it, and make decisions when they come. No one else gets to live my life, I don’t get to live anyone else’s.