My brain has been full lately. Fully engrossed in my own dramas. Wondering what comes next for me, and when it’s going to come. Who will I be when it shows up.
This has all led to thinking a lot about who I have been. This time I can feel change coming like I’ve never felt it before. In the past I have just changed as life came at me.
I’ve thought about the decisions I’ve made to not stay in touch with friends I once had, and the decisions I made to be who I was in high school. I could have been much different, but I wasn’t. I was a girl who had a small group of friends, spent her Friday nights at hockey games (Go 67’s) instead of parties, and spent as much time wondering why no boys liked her as she didn’t being terrified of what would happen if one declared his interest.
I could have come into my own so much earlier. But I didn’t. And still, here she is.
Part of me thinks old friends would be shocked at who I am now, and part of me knows that no one really cared who I was back then so the change wouldn’t affect them one way or another. It’s nice to dream though.
There is a phrase that I once considered getting tattooed on my body – like so many other memories. Non Sum Qualis Eram. I am not what I used to be.
But I am.
I am made up of all the pieces of who I used to be. And I have no idea what that is in Latin.
Who I am now is made up of all the experiences I’ve had, the failures. The things that happened to me that I didn’t even realized where making an imprint at the time. The relationships I’ve had and didn’t have.
The fact that I knew in high school that I was smart and I liked school and I didn’t like makeup or short skirts and all the things that I was combined to make me decidedly not cool, but almost 20 years later I can title a blog post with a later phrase I learned on West Wing and still think that I’m awesome, and know that other people think so too, that is change. That is not what I used to be.