Hi, my name is Amy. I dream big but I am terrified of my own success. On this day my introversion and my fear of success have combined to make me slightly paralyzed. It’s quite fascinating to experience, really. If I weren’t so afraid to push beyond that barrier, where would I be.
You see, more than anything, I worry that if people see me at my best they will expect that from me always, and the energy and strength it would take to try to demonstrate my best always would drag me down.
This is why I sabotage myself.
I’m so afraid of success sometimes that I fail spectacularly. And I have to wonder, if I weren’t so afraid of success (or the path to it) who would I be?
I may have succeeding in writing something real by now – all those ideas I have that I’ve not yet put to paper. I might be richer. I would be a better wife, almost certainly. I wouldn’t be quite so fat as I am, and definitely more healthy.
Right know there is almost always in the back of my brain that ‘what if.’ What if I fail on the way? What if I succeed and then lose it all? What if someone doesn’t like what I do?
What if I succeed once and then never again?
What if I stop eating all the things that are bad for me and I’m still unhealthy? What if I exercise and hurt myself? What will people think of my and how will they look at me?
Even though I don’t really care. I mean, not really. If I cared that much what other people thought of me I would probably already be dead. All of this – every little bit of it – is fear that I have built up inside my own head.
So now I have to step back and ask myself, if I weren’t so scared who would I be? And what steps can I take (slowly but surely) to be her.
My friend and now former boss told me that I need to stop feeding myself bullshit. This is true. I tell myself a lot of horrible things about myself. I tell myself all the ways things can go terribly wrong. I remind myself daily that people don’t really like me or care about me – which is verifiably false.
I do have people who like me and care about me, who think I’m smart and skilled, and worth something. People who are willing to count on me. Even people who envy me. People who love me and need me.
If I wasn’t scared, if I wasn’t a bullshitter, who would I be?