I was scrolling through Facebook today and one of my friends had sent good wishes and happiness. That anyone reading it would be happy.
And I burst into tears.
Because for the past month or two it has been very difficult to be happy, or even see happiness in my future.
The past month, certainly, feels like it’s been raining shit down on me and my family and I’ve found myself wondering if this is what being an adult is – surely there is some part that is easy or good, at least not a struggle. I can’t keep up with the easy things enough to give myself the breathing room to get through the hard.
All made harder by the holidays. All made harder by being away from home. All made harder by losing pieces of my childhood. All made harder by all the hard things.
I’ve been left wondering where the world is going and none of it seems good. I find myself over-reacting to the smallest of things – knowing that it’s happening. Knowing that tears are coming that I can’t stop.
Looking for the small moments that will remind me that there is some sunshine. That the weather can change. I can be the person I have been before. Reminding myself that sometimes there is good, and maybe it will stick around for a while. That sometimes the bad shows you something about yourself you never knew before.