Don't just live in the world

Late night musings

December 20th, 2016 | Posted by Amy Boughner in Personal

Sitting in the airport in Calgary. We got up at 4:30 this morning to catch a flight to get here for a four hour layover. Not my best planning.

Because of the early flight we stayed out by the airport last night and I had quite a bit of trouble falling asleep. Now, I often have trouble falling asleep the night before a trip. The first time I flew in my life (save a trip to BC as a baby) I didn’t sleep at all the night before.

I also don’t sleep well when I’m sick, which I am, because vacation. Having to get up to blow your nose and coughing every time you lie down doesn’t lend itself to a restful sleep.

So there I was, in a strange bed, lying awake, thinking about getting up at the buttcrack of stupid, thinking about how I was not sleeping and I should be. And thinking about how 2016 hasn’t really ended the way I had hoped it would for me.

I have gone through a lot this year, seemingly never ending challenges sometimes. I have struggled emotionally. There has been change. There have been accomplishments – I can’t forget those, though I often do. But here at year end, I’m disappointed with where I’m seated.

(Not specifically this gate at the Calgary airport, though, it’s beautifully sunny here and you can see the Rockies).

I held in this anticipation of what came next when I finished my degree, as though I was going to take off like a rocket and do great things. But I’m not.

I thought I was going to have time to cook and exercise and take care of myself and my home and my family but, in fact, I’ve had less. I haven’t been cooking, exercise is hard to fit in, the house is a mess and my daughter is feeding off my stress. She knows I’m down.

I also had the crazy idea that maybe, just maybe, I’d be healthy enough by the end of this year to get off some of my medication. Instead I’m taking more – I’ve had to add iron pills to the mix.

I don’t know what I thought this would be, but I know that this isn’t it.

One day a few weeks ago I was commuting in to work. The drive can take anywhere from 30 minutes to over an hour depending on traffic and weather. I was sitting in the car and thinking to myself and suddenly I thought ‘Is this what life is?’

It’s crushing. To think that you’re moving up and find yourself stuck, wondering, feeling your confidence breaking all over again, and wondering if I was in a good place at all this year.

I know I was. I know it. But I can’t remember.

At least I still get to wake up to them.


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