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On the outside, always looking in

December 11th, 2016 | Posted by Amy Boughner in Personal

We had our company Christmas party the other day and one of my colleagues asked if she could put lipstick on me. I let her, and she told me I looked beautiful. Maybe I did, I tend not to see myself that way.

I tend not to wear makeup. I never really learned how to put it on properly. In high school I was always so self-conscious anyway that I was terrified of the scares I would get if I put on too much eye shadow or the wrong shade of blush.

Now I’m older. I’m also very aware of being fat. And I sweat a lot. And I have an image of fat, sweaty me looking like a fat sweaty mess with makeup running down my face. Looking like a slob that some people already assume that I am because of my weight.

I’ve spend most of my life overweight. Every year lately I’ve been getting fatter. It’s hard to change. Even when you change it’s hard to change your perception of yourself. But lately when people around me comment ‘oh I look so fat in that picture, don’t post that,’ I feel it a little more as a condemnation of what I’ve always been.

I always look fat in pictures, because I am.

Last week I bought us tickets to see Dear Evan Hansen on Broadway. We’re going to New York in May to see Hamilton, and I want to get a couple more shows in if I can. This is a trip I’ve been waiting for. I heard the first single from the original cast recording on the radio (Sirius XM Broadway, Channel 72, Love). It’s called Waving Through A Window and I loved it instantly. I have now purchased the song and listened to it many, many times. There is a line in the song that goes: “Will I ever be more than I’ve always been?”

It hit me right in the guts.

Will I?

I mean, I guess I am already more than I was. Empirically speaking I am. I’ve had a life, I’ve done a lot. But will I ever feel like more that what I was in high school when I went mostly unnoticed? Will I ever be more than I was after my first job out of college or my first job out of university or right now when I feel like I’m never going to get things quite right?

Will I ever make a sound?

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