It seems like it’s been a rough year. There were definite highs and some low lows. Crap getting thrown all over the bloody place. I’m worn out and ready to be hopeful. A couple of years ago I trusted my instincts and went back to school and it probably couldn’t have been better for me. This year I trusted my instincts and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t at all. Now I’m trying to trust them again, and it’s hard.
I need to focus and simplify. That’s my goal. And to take better care of me. There are a lot of things I can’t control and a very few that I can. So that is where my strength will lie.
I can’t control who other countries elect as their leader, but I can control how much sleep I get and how much water I drink. I can control my spending and my food intake and the amount of time I spend exercising at the lovely gym I pay for monthly.
I spend so much time telling my daughter that she needs to try to control her brain, to shift her focus, to move away from the dark into the light, but shouldn’t I also be getting that message?
I’m tried of trying to get better, I’d like to just be better.
So that’s what I’m going to try to do from now on. Be in the moment, taking care of the most important things. Knowing that making the hard decision now will make things easier later. Taking care of smaller things so that they all roll into something bigger.
I started decluttering the house a big yesterday. I started with the mantle, picking off things that aren’t needed and putting them in a box, dusting as I went. I cleaned out my toques and scarves and shoes in the front closet. I cleaned off my bookshelf and said goodbye to those titles who have been waiting for me to get to them for too long. Before the week is out I’ll clean out my dresser. Yesterday I bought new socks and got rid of two pairs that haven’t been what I needed. I’ll say goodbye to clothes that I think I should wear but that I really don’t feel comfortable in, and I’ll pass them on to someone else who might.
I’ll tidy my office next week, and make it ready for me to sit and create – writing, drawing, watercolours. Whatever I feel like doing. The walls are full of inspiration, the shelves full of books to read and notebooks to fill. I love my office.
I started knitting again over the holidays – a thing I enjoy doing that I had stopped for no real reason except there were other things to do. I made two hats, started a blanket, and planned to take some classes that will keep me going in the new year.
I will exercise because I know that it is good for me, I know that it makes me feel better in the end. Because it will help me sleep better, which is something I desperately need. I will do both and eat better because I have a 6-almost-7 year old I have to keep up with, because I need more energy to take care of myself, because I need to be able to walk across New York City this spring and do a 10K in the fall. Because this body needs to carry me through the hard times.
Because the end of 2017 is only going to be better than 2016 if I bloody well make it.