The past week I have felt off kilter. Tonight, as I think about it, I rather feel like I’m drowning. I was sick – stomach virus – my allergies have been bad because of the season change. I’ve been cold. I’ve not been sleeping enough. I’ve been working a lot.
Last Friday I fell asleep almost as soon as I got home, and then woke up to a phone call from my mother. My grandfather was in the emergency room. We stayed with him until about 2 am after we finally knew what was going on.
The past week I have been on edge every second waiting for the awful phone call that seems so likely to be coming.
Perhaps as a result of this added stress, along with long hours at work, home has been a struggle too.
I keep meaning to do things – clean the bathroom, sort the laundry, start that puzzle, take the dog for a walk, get to the gym – but none of it is happening. I get home from work and I do nothing.
Lately I haven’t even been feeding myself. When I can’t make a decision about what I want to eat I just don’t bother. That’s dangerous territory. Making that issue worse is the kid’s vegetarianism and Joe’s best efforts to get her to eat something – anything.
It didn’t occur to me until today that lentil loaf doesn’t only bother me because it will never be as good as my meatloaf, but also because my iron is low and not eating red meat could be causing problems I’m not even aware of.
I know what I need to do. I need to plan better. I need to sort myself out. I need to take a deep breath and start and then follow my own inertia. But I just don’t.
But I did read this blog post today, and it reminded myself that step 1 is really whatever I can handle and step 2 is whatever I can handle next.