And in the end…


#MommyScholar, Parenting, Personal / Saturday, July 2nd, 2016

I am reaching the end of a few things. The end of my daughter’s school year, the end of my internship, the end of the final project that will mark the end of my Masters degree. At these ends marks the launch of a whole new beginning of things, again.

A big blank slate stretched out in front of me.

I have created my own space. I have a proper office with no guest bed in it. I have a wall of photos and inspiration around me. I am ready for whatever opportunity knocks on my door next. Waiting with baited breath.

The only constant in my life right now is laundry.

It feels like a hangover. I have been so stressed for so long, working so hard and here I am at the finish line, exhausted and confused. Breathless.

I want to know what the next step is. I want to know what the right answer is – what path to take. What’s right for us, best for me, best for her.

At any moment I could laugh or cry.

For all the work I have done, the hours I have put in over the past two years, this is the hard part. Here is where there are no easy answers, there is no due date. This is where I start reaching out to the people I know who know me who might know where I would be an asset.

Here is where I rely on the good will and trust of others, as much as I’d like to be forging ahead by myself. I have always – ALWAYS – relied on myself. And as much as I love helping other people, I hate asking people to help me.

I never assume that someone likes me, or thinks I’m competent, or even more than competent. Hell, I never assume someone remembers who I am. I spent the better part of my adolescence feeling forgettable, even invisible, and that has never entirely gone away.

Let me do work for you, I will prove myself. I work hard and I love doing it. But please don’t make me explain why I love doing it. My work speaks much better than I do.

You see, I have spent a long time assuming that the things that come easily to me come easily to everyone. I have spent a long time assuming that I don’t know anything that everybody else doesn’t know. I now have to work to remind myself that’s not try.

I can write, a lot of people can’t. I know how Parliament works, a majority don’t. I think quickly, I type quickly. I care deeply about a lot of things that many would rather forget about, or just have solved already.

I love this country and I believe in it.

O Canada.

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