I have been struggling on two fronts lately – the first is work related. All the where do I go now questions now that courses and internship are almost all complete.
The second is much more personal.
I cannot tell if I’m heading back into a bad place in my depression or not.
Yesterday I made a list of things that I used to enjoy doing that I don’t do as much or at all anymore. These activities include cooking, knitting, painting and drawing, going for walks. Lately I have had a hard time getting going on anything. I’m running on automatic it seems.
I can’t decide if I’m so far passed the point of burnout that this is just where I have ended up, or if it’s the stress of everything I’ve had going on for months now and the stress of the future, whatever comes.
I’m tired. So tired. I forget to feed myself during the day. I forget or I just don’t go to the effort.
I’m tired and easily distracted.
I’m tired and stressed out and my kid keeps asking me questions I don’t have answers for, like why she can’t have a baby brother or sister.
But none of the usual signs for me are there. I’m not sleeping all day, I’m going out and being social. Well, more than usual. We were just in Washington and instead of being terrified to leave the hotel room without Joe at my side to make sure we didn’t get lost I took the kid and found the Lincoln Memorial, the Washington Monument and the Museum of American History. Me and Google.
Every bit of it was hard – she didn’t want to walk, and I worried that I was getting us lost, and she didn’t want to see the things in the museum that I wanted to see. But I was the cheerful, optimistic one. Normally I can’t push myself to smile and carry on like that. Not when things are bad. I still laugh and make jokes and I’m not putting on a front when I’m around other people. At least I don’t feel one.
I’m definitely scared of the future right now. I want to do the right thing, despite my constant reminder to myself that nothing is necessarily right or wrong. I just have to do SOMETHING. I have to move in a direction.
The problem is that I’ve moved in the wrong direction before. After journalism school. My first job after journalism school – the first job I had been offered – was a really, really shitty job. I was put in a bad situation, I was lied to. When I think about how the person I am now would deal with that situation. I would stand up for her so much better. My first job after my BA I was in a shitty situation with a shitty boss and the person I am now would have done that all differently too.
I think that’s the main focus of my worry. Two times I thought I was going to be alright and I was wrong. Two times I didn’t stand up for myself and I wish I had known better.
I do know better now. I think.