I can be very hard on myself sometimes. Tonight, for example, my self talk is cruel. The voice inside my head talks to me in a way that I would never let anyone else speak to me. But at the same time if someone else did part of me would believe them, and my inside voice would take me right down.
One of the first topics that I beat myself up with is my motherhood. Of course. It is truly terrible if I suck so much that I am adversely affecting my child. She’s not getting enough of me, when I’m here it’s the worst of me.
When she starts to cry my first reaction is please no, I can’t handle this right now. I’m asking her to do too much by herself.
I don’t know if I love her the right way right now. I don’t feel like the same mother that I was when she was smaller. I’m scared that I’m screwing it up. Because that’s what I do. I screw things up.
She wants to be with me and sit with me and cuddle me and I just want to be alone.
She comes in just to tell me she loves me. She just wants a hug. Why can I not handle her? Why is everything too much?
And then all at once she comes to sit with me and we just talk. For twenty minutes we just sit and talk and laugh. And here is this amazing kid. And she loves me and tells me what she needs. She is happy to have me as a mother. Even in my worst moments when I’m sitting by myself feeling that she deserves so much more.
Sometimes when she’s being raucous and loud and playful all I want is to sit with her and cuddle her. And sometimes she knows what I need.