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February 4th, 2016 | Posted by Amy Boughner in #MommyScholar

It has been a long time since I’ve posted.┬áIt might be a longer time between posts than ever. The fact is I’m feeling not quite myself. I’m feeling sort of like an odd version of myself, or an outline of myself.

I have so many unanswered questions going forward that I’m hoping that’s what’s wrong. That once I figure out what comes after my coursework and what comes next it will all feel better again.

Maybe.

Part of that is that I have this kid, and she and I have always been a team, and I’m not sure if I’m ready and willing to jump back in to the workforce. It’s almost terrifying, the idea of having to find child care and commute and make our lives work like that. Even though I know thousands do it in this city. In my neighbourhood even.

I want to be all the mother my daughter needs. But at the same time I feel like I’m not doing my best on that front. She’s my favourite person in the whole world and she wears me out like no one else.

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It’s not fun to feel like I’d be failing somehow by going back to work and finding a great, fulfilling job while also feeling that I’d be failing if I don’t.

I went to get a blood test this week because I’m so sure that something must be wrong. There are days that I’m so exhausted I could cry. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out if this is how everyone feels. And if it is how they possibly function.

I am trying my hardest to keep myself organized. I have paper and online calendars and to-do lists. I spent part of Saturday prepping meals and snacks for the week. I got started. I asked for help and people gave it. I have advice to help me move forward.

And so I am thankful for my family, my husband and my daughter, my friends who are there when I reach out via Facebook to rant. And my classmates and professors who are always up for great passionate discussions. And amongst them I sometimes feel like who I am supposed to be, and maybe the percentage will start to increase as I figure more things out.

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