I am almost done the first semester of my Masters. I am overwhelmed and exhausted, even though I have completed all the readings and assignments due in the next week. I am tired and stressed and I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so off.
I know that part of it is the weather. It’s dark early now, and it seems like it’s been dim all day for most of the last week. I have learned over time, and particularly in the past year, that sunshine matters to my mood.
But there is something else. Part of it is a desire to just be done. To have some time. To read or knit or nap or just be.
The other part of it I just figured out today. I’m spending a lot of my day afraid.
My daughter has extremes. She gets very active, very talkative and lately she gets very, very angry. She rages. Shouting and stomping and throwing her toys or hitting her door.
Wondering when the next outburst will happen is wearing me down. Every night trying to get her in to bed and hoping that she’ll stay there and fall asleep without coming out with a problem or something she suddenly needs to talk about, hoping that telling her to go back to bed won’t result in a two hour screaming tantrum.
Wondering every morning if she’s going to happily get on the school bus or if it’s going to be today that I have to physically put her on it while she cries and screams. Wondering if I’ll make it through it this time.
Wondering if she’ll ever calm down. Wondering if there are things she’s not telling us.
We had a good meeting with her teachers, and they talked about her keeping all her emotions in check while she’s at school and how that probably results in the extremes we’re seeing at home. It makes sense, and we’ve come up with ways to deal with getting her to feel okay at the end of her school day – quiet time, watching her iPad, just being alone.
But still, we just never know when she’s going to explode.
It’s all the more difficult because she’s always been a pretty happy, easygoing kid and now suddenly it seems as though she’s never happy. At least in her mind she isn’t. She’s only ever okay. Things are bad or they’re so-so.
I just want to fix it all.