Dear viral conjunctivitis,

I just wanted to say that I never new you existed until this week. I mean, I had heard of and experienced your cousin, plain old pink eye, but I didn’t know that there was this extra bit of fun to experience on top of the pain and itching and awful drops twice a day.

Now that we’ve become acquainted, viral conjunctivitis, I just have to say this: Screw you. Screw you and all your stupid little virus parts.

Since you invaded our house my daughter has had daily crying fits because she feels so rotten. She’s had a fever going on five days. She’s never been this sick before. If you were a human being I would beat you to a bloody pulp and then spit on you as you lay on the ground.

And now you think you’re coming after me? You’ve got another think coming, sir. I have spent the better part of this week disinfecting and doing laundry. I have washed my hands raw every day. I’ve had the windows open to blow the germs away. I even convinced the five-year-old who has always hated sleep to take afternoon naps with me so her body could fight you harder.

So I don’t know what you think you’re still doing here, viral conjunctivitis. I am running out of ways to demonstrate to you that you’re not welcome here any more.

You’d better be gone by tomorrow.