Lately I’ve been lying awake at night a lot. Actually, I’ve been staying up late avoiding sleep knowing that when I finally try I’ll lie there, awake.
I’ve got a lot on my mind. Reverberations from my Dad dying; nervous energy and anticipation before school starting in September; desire to have the best summer possible with my daughter because come September I could be very, very busy, at least for 36 days, and then moderately busy for the rest of the year; worried about the weight I’m putting on other people’s shoulders.
And the pain my daughter might feel if I do everything I say I’m going to do. If I understand how important it is, will she understand? Will she be angry but grow to understand?
And how do I not feel selfish trying to take care of myself while getting all this other stuff done for other people?
I lie awake thinking about how I need to get to sleep because if I don’t get sleep then I won’t be able to have the great summer I want my daughter to have. And I lie awake thinking about how exhausted I’m going to be all the time in September and wonder if I’m jeopardizing everything.
And I read all the pre-election crap that’s going on on Twitter and decide I hate politics and I’m wasting my life trying to work with all these heavily partisan people who ignore facts to make a point.
And that’s when I start to wonder if I’m really falling apart, because when I’m in class talking about issues and real change and solutions I’m always on fire. Because I do care, sometimes too much. And I do believe things can be better.
Not only can things be better, they have to be, and we can make them better.
And I see the tireless work some of my friends do and want to be more. And it’s all for her.
I have to believe she knows that, or will understand.