I tweeted earlier today that I wish it was a year from now.
A year from now all of the work left over by my dad’s death will be done and the grief with be less raw.
A year from now I will be finishing my Masters and ready to find some great work for great causes.
A year from now things will be so much more settled than they are now. I think. Maybe.
I had plans for this summer, a long to do list. I was going to relax and learn new things and prepare myself.
And once again life threw things at me that I was not prepared for.
I have this little girl, I’m trying to treasure every moment as times flies past us, and here I am wishing time away. Wishing for something easy.
And I feel guilty for it, but it doesn’t change the fact that I just want to see past this year ahead right now. I want to gaze into my future and step out of myself. I want to feel like a normal adult again. Focused on my job and my family.
The fact is that I lost a parent and it hurts. And I’m sad. And I know that I’m going to go through more losses, and that each one will probably be harder than this. And I’m scared. I’m scared to just break into little pieces. I’m scared of my own child feeling what I’m feeling.
And I just want to skip through time. Avoiding the hard things. Stopping when we get to play at the park or laugh together. The real times.