As of today it will be two weeks that my father has been dead. He died two Saturday mornings ago, after talking to his partner and going to the gym. We found out that afternoon. A week later was the funeral.
Before the funeral, before the visitation, I made the decision to see my father. I heard all the arguments for and against and I made the decision. Part of it was the in my mind I didn’t know if I would really believe he was gone until I saw him there. And there he was. The actual first thought that went through my mind was just that – it’s really him.
And then I had the room to myself and I got to talk to him. I got to tell him that I wasn’t done with him. We’ve been building this relationship, we’ve been getting so much better. I wasn’t done.
And I’m angry. I’m angry that I didn’t get the time that I expected. And I’m angry that my daughter didn’t get that time, that he didn’t get to see her doing all the great things she can do. And he knew she’s special, I know he did.
I also had this idea in my head that I would learn from him and maybe become the same kind of expert he was in his field. I’m getting set to do my Masters and I’m ready to research and publish and specialize. I wanted him there for that. I wanted to follow in his footsteps.
The disbelief and anger lingers.
It’s not as though I saw him everyday, not even every month really. There were emails and occasional phone calls, but I haven’t yet had the chance to feel the missing piece. The other factor is that my kid doesn’t notice him missing yet. She hasn’t asked for him, even though we were at his house today and she noticed the furniture was gone. She asked me why and I told her it was because no one is living there any more.
She know that I’ve been spending the week at Grampa’s house, she knows that we have Grampa’s table now. She knows his house is empty, or almost empty now. And I’m angry with myself for not thinking to take pictures with them together. I was so focused on getting pictures of her with my grandfather because I thought we’d lose him first.
I thought I had time. I wasn’t done.
I feel so stupid. I wasted so much time.