I don’t usually go into someone else’s house and strip down, but that’s what I spent my morning doing. Today was my photo session with Sara. I came home totally exhausted. I still am, a bit. I think I spent so much time thinking about it and worrying about it that once it was over my body just needed the sleep.

Right now the whole experience feels very strange and I can’t quite but my finger on it. It was fun, we laughed, we chatted and I didn’t feel awkward, though I did feel a little ridiculous at times, but that was okay.

I wore a lot more makeup than I ever do, but I looked like me. I wore less clothing that I usually would in public, but I was comfortable. I realized it was okay. It was not about being uncomfortable, feeling exposed, it was okay.

This is the body that I have right now and sometimes looking into the camera I felt defiant. Sometimes I felt serene. Sometimes I felt almost outside myself, like this was something that wasn’t happening to me.

I haven’t seen the photos yet. I’m almost scared to. I think they’ll look great, I’ll look happy, laughing and smiling and comfortable and confident. I’m worried that I won’t believe it’s me. I’m worried that I’ll lose this feeling of okay-ness.

Or maybe I’ll look super amazing and it will still be me.

IMG_2235I’m waiting and seeing. ┬áNext week is my birthday. This was part of it. Maybe 34 will be the year that I’m okay.

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