There are so many specific things that I remember about that day five years ago when they finally checked me into the hospital and Joe and I knew that we wouldn’t be leaving without a baby. There are so few specific things I remember about the last five years.

I remember leaving the hospital with the car seat, just walking out and driving home and very suddenly being a mother. I remember our first day home alone together. I spent a lot of it crying after I managed to pour water all over my laptop – my only connection to the outside world.

I remember when she rolled herself over for the first time and shocked the crap out of herself, banging her head on the floor. I remember the time she was in my lap and the dog jumped up and scratched very near her eye. And the time she pulled my coffee mug off the table and I thought she would be permanently scarred until we got to the ER and she was walking around like nothing had happened.

I remember the first time she laughed and all I wanted was to hear that sound again and again.

Now I see babies and I think it’s impossible she was ever that small. I don’t remember a time when she couldn’t talk. I know she babbled almost constantly when she was awake but I don’t remember what that sounded like.

I remember that she started crawling at six months and walking at 10 but I don’t remember when she got so fast.

I remember when kindergarten seemed so far away.

I don’t remember what it feels like for her to just fall asleep on my chest. That might be the one thing I miss about her being a baby. Because 4 has been amazing and I really believe she can only get better.




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