Today is the last day of classes before exams start. I am thankful this semester is coming to a close, it’s been difficult. At the same time I have been dealing with a lot of things lately and I sort of have this feeling that everything is coming to a head.

All of the things I have been struggling with over years and trying to fix and failing to really fix, all of those things that make things a little bit harder and a little bit more stressful are weighing a bit more heavily right now.

It’s all the big stuff too – weight, budget, time with my kid.

Money is ALWAYS an issue. Walking across campus for my early morning classes can be exhausting. Everything feels extra. I’m so tired all the time.

People say quality over quantity, right now it feels like neither.

So if everything is coming to a head, does that mean that 2015 is the year that actual, significant, permanent changes get made?

There is a huge amount of fear here. Fear of failure, fear of success. Fear of once again declaring it to be the last straw and publicly failing again.

I need to start pushing myself, talking to the right people, asking for help, taking the right steps and also believing that maybe I could be successful if I would take it a little easier on myself. Emotionally I mean. I need to be harder on myself physically if I actually want change. That’s one thing for sure.

I hide behind fear a lot. Fear of trying new things, fear of failing, fear of looking stupid while failing, fear of being wrong or doing wrong.

But you know, fear of dying should probably top the list. Joe and I both need to make changes so that we don’t die, so that we can both better take care of ourselves, of each other.

So now we’re figuring out how to let go of some things, ask for help on other things, and talking to each other. As Joe points out I am an eternal pessimist, he is an optimist so it’s much better when we’re working together and some sense of reality comes in. It’s part of our charm as a couple.

My people
My people

So I need fitness I can fit in, easy, healthy recipes, reminders that sleep is too important to skip, reminders that sometimes I just need to get down on the floor and play a game with my kid, and that being embarrassed is perfectly okay because being unhealthy and unfit is much, much worst.

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