After the event with the hornets and a day spent shopping for back to school with my baby girl, I find myself lying awake thinking about just how fast time goes. And also how damn scary it is watching your children grow up and realizing more and more how you just can’t protect them from everything.
At 1 am I brought the kid into our bed because I wanted to watch her breathe.
I never set out to protect her from everything. I knew she would have skinned knees and hurt feelings. But the big, scary things, those I need to protect her from.
And then suddenly, in the blink of an eye there are screams and she’s begging me to make it better and I can’t.
And suddenly it’s time for her to start full time school and I won’t be here to drop her off at the bus stop every day. I won’t be the one taking her to her dance class. I’m going to miss dinners at the table together.
Very suddenly it won’t be her and me, together always.
And I worry about how that’s going to affect her, but I also worry about what it’s going to do to me. Since she was born I have loved and cherished her more than anyone else on this earth, including myself. Every moment we’re not together she’s always in the back of my mind, no matter how rough a day it’s been.
I have chosen this time to go back to school, and I know that it will only be two years, and I know that she will thrive at school. All of my reasonable brain knows this. But my mama brain is not at all convinced.
For most of her life it’s been her and me against the world, and now we both have to face that much more of it by ourselves.