I took the kid to a dance class this week. I signed us up because it gets us both moving in the mornings and I knew she would enjoy it. She also has missed out on spending time with me since I’ve been working so often.
It was a good class for her, though she might be a bit old for it – she was the oldest one there. But what kept distracting me was the full length mirrors on one side of the room.
It’s one of those times that I was the fattest one in the room. I noticed it. I noticed it when I danced around, trying to be carefree with my kid. I noticed it in my knees as we jumped up and down. I tried not to pay attention, I tried to focus on my kid, her enjoyment, and every time I caught sight of myself I was self-conscious all over again.
And my kid is SO not self conscious and I want her to stay that way. I want her to not notice that I am, to not figure out why I am.
There is no logic in how I feel about myself, though. I know that. Some days I feel totally fine, looking forward I feel confident about making improvements. And sometimes I feel like it’s all a waste and I’m not going to feel good about myself.
I wonder if I can any more.
My goals aren’t outlandish. I want to be able to buy clothes from any store. I want to be able to walk up stairs without worrying if I’m going to make it. I want to spend a few days without a sugary treat and not flinch.
I want to go somewhere with my kid and a mirror and be able to focus. I want to not feel like the fat mom.