On a webinar the other day Shelagh Cummins asked those of us who were listening in what we would do if we were not afraid.
That’s me at a roller derby bout. A few years ago I went to an open house for a roller derby team in the city. It was a great experience, though difficult physically. I was three months past giving birth and hadn’t been in shape before that. Still, the atmosphere was kind of awesome, the women there were all different but somehow the same. And then I didn’t go back.
The next year, or maybe two years later, I tried it again, and my health and fitness was even worse, and I didn’t make it through one session and I quit.
The fact is that I’m scared. I’m scared of failing, I’m scared of hurting myself. I’m scared of my body hurting when I push it. Because I’ve never been someone who pushes past my limits physically.
Except a few times I have and it hasn’t be a bad thing. So why do I forget that?
There are all sorts of other things I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of failing in my business, and also afraid of succeeding and what that would mean for me and for my family.
I am afraid of losing weight and having to redefine who I am, and what my body might look like after all I’ve put it through. I’m afraid of all the problems losing weight won’t actually solve.
One thing I am very good at not being afraid of is expressing myself, particularly in writing. The lag is in expressing what I am afraid of and doing something about it anyway. I’m terrified of changing and losing something in that change. I’m terrified of how hard change can be and finding out just how my flex I have. But I’m also scared of not changing.
Last week Jim Flaherty died. He was 64, he had stepped back from his job to spend more time with his wife and three sons. He was going to get out of politics and live a bit more. Less than a month later he was dead. He just didn’t ever get the chance. So what scares me more?