It’s been a tough day after a long weekend after a long week. I didn’t sleep much last night, so you’d think I’d be asleep now, but instead I’m lying here thinking about crying.
There’s this pressure building and I feel like I’ll explode if I don’t let some of it out.
I’ve been working more, which is awesome and hard. We’ve got a full summer ahead of us, which is awesome and scary. I’ve been trying to do great things with this kid who seems to be speeding up all the time. We go out and we have fun and then a switch flips and I’m carrying her out, kicking and screaming, strapping her into the car and wondering when it’s going to stop and what I’m doing wrong.
I love her so much I could burst and I hate her. She makes everything harder. She makes everything more wonderful.
She throws everything at me – total adoration and full blown hatred. She hugs too tight and kisses fiercely, and then she’ll punch and kick. She doesn’t back off. As much as I sometimes want to be away from her as soon as I am I miss her.
She’s the most beautiful thing there is.
She fights me so hard. It’s her and me against the world.
This love, this motherhood is painful and exquisite.
She’s everything all at once and as much as I can’t take it I keep going back for more.