In my previous post I mentioned that I’m terrified of how I will react when we lose my grandfather. There is another reason for this, beyond his being one of the most important people in my life.

I haven’t experienced a lot of death in my life. I remember knowing my great-grandparents, and I remember being at a funeral when I was a kid. I knew my paternal grandmother, who died when I was 8 or 9 years old, but she had Alzheimer’s so I never really knew her and we never had the relationship I had with my maternal grandparents. My maternal grandmother died after years of Alzheimer’s too, and by the time her body passed I had already mourned her.

I have never had someone central in my life just pulled away from me in that one moment, and I don’t know what it will do to me.

I remember in 2007, the day London was bombed we didn’t know if my father was there or at home in Ottawa. My sister found his partner’s phone number in London and we found out quickly that she was fine and Dad was in Canada. My father and I have never had what I would consider a close relationship but the fear in that time of not knowing shocked me.

Meanwhile, my family has grown, I have a husband that I scared to lose, a daughter, a second set of parents, a whole new part of my family – aunts and uncles and a new set of grandparents that I adore.

Years ago I planned to be lonely. I was going to be a spinster, traveling the world, writing. Now I’ve surrounded myself with more people to love and be loved by, more people to lose.

It’s a ridiculous thing this heart.

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