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Motherhood

December 9th, 2012 | Posted by Amy Boughner in Parenting | Personal

I was totally taken aback by what becoming a mother did to me. I had heard, of course, about the love you develop for your child, but I didn’t know if that was the stuff I was made of. I was terrified that I wouldn’t love her enough and she would know it and I would know it. I was afraid that we would have an uncomfortable relationship and I would always be the lesser parent, sticking on the sidelines, trying to at least resemble a mother.

Then she arrived and I don’t know exactly when it happened but she took me over. Completely.

There were times when all I wanted was for someone else to hold her for a little while, for someone to give me a break for a bit, but as soon as that happened I missed her and desperately wanted her back. There have been moments in the past three years when I have cried for the simple fact that I was so totally overwhelmed by her and the love I was feeling.

I have never read a description that total made sense of how I feel about being a mom until I was reading Caitlin Moran’s description in How to be a Woman. I am really, truly enjoying this book. I’m enjoying her chapter about the fact that being a mother is not something any woman should do just because she’s a woman too, but when she  talking about being a mother she was speaking directly to me:

“The honest truth is that the world holds no greater gratification than lying in bed with your children, putting your leg on top of them in semi-crushing manner, while saying sternly, “You are a poo.”
 
… It’s the silliness – the profligacy, and the silliness – that’s so dizzying: a seven-year-old will run downstairs, kiss you hard, and then run back upstairs again, all in less than 30 seconds. It’s as urgent an item on their daily agenda as eating or singing. It’s like being mugged by Cupid. 
 
You, in turn, observe yourself from a distance, simply astonished by the quantities of love you manufacture. It is endless. Your adoration may grow weary but it will never end: it becomes the fuel of your head, your body, and your heart. It powers you through the pouring rain, delivering forgotten raincoats for lunchtime play; works overtime, paying for shoes and puppets; keeps you up all night, easing cough, fever and pain – like lust used to, but much, much stronger.”
 

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