One of my biggest fears when I found out I was having a daughter was that she would turn out like me. Shy and unsure of herself through her developing years, depressed as a teenager, stupid with money and food, thinking too much about all the hard things.
I was never a smiler. My face defaults into this almost lack of emotion. I have spent a lot of time feeling sad.
My kid? She’s happy. She’s a smiler. She gets excited.
She’s always surprising me with her bravery and her willingness to dive in to new things.
She gets excited about preschool as soon as she wakes up and actually tried to convince me that Friday was preschool day. Except the past two weeks she’s cried at some point in the morning after I drop her off.
Today she woke me up and asked if it was dance class day. She wore her leotard all day. She was very excited to get into the room once we got to the community centre. And then they started doing their warm ups and stretches.
Suddenly through the window I saw her face fall. Something was wrong. She looked on the verge of tears. It went away and she carried on, but then I saw it again. I went down to the doors, I smiled and waved but suddenly there it was – tears streaming down her face.
I didn’t wait, I was in the room before she could ask for me. I hugged her close and picked her up and told her everything was okay. We got her calmed down with a sticker from the teacher. Suddenly they pulled out hula hoops and she was smiling and decided to go back in, but almost as soon as she was in she was out.
She couldn’t tell me what had happened. I asked her a couple of times after we left and she still couldn’t tell me. All she will say is that something scared her.
I question my decision to go into that room. To not wait for the teacher to try and calm her before I broke in. I don’t know if that was the “right” thing to do. I still don’t know.
I do, however, know that if there’s one thing that consistently makes me happy it’s my kid. When she cries, I go running.