Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.
In my life I have considered suicide at two different points in my life – once in high school, and once in my early 20s. Life was painful, things seemed completely bleak and I thought I could make things easier for everyone around me.
I’ve known others who have had those thoughts too.
And I have a confession.
When I worried about friends and their dark thoughts I thought of what I could do to help and save them, when it was me I didn’t want help and I didn’t want anyone to save me. When I think back into those times, I don’t understand why anyone would have wanted to save me. I knew I would hurt my family, but I thought I would have been a blip on the radar.
I felt totally invisible and totally disconnected.
When Postpartum Depression hit it was different. There were the moments that I thought my daughter’s life would be better without me, but I was desperate to watch her grow up. I still am.
When I remember back then and look at now, I know that if I had made those one second decisions she wouldn’t be here, and I truly can’t imagine there ever being a world without her.
When I think back across my life I never expected to be married, never expected to be a mother and never expected to have my heart so full with other people. I never expected her and I can’t think of missing her without getting upset.
There are other reasons to live, there are so many reasons to beat depression down and never let it win, but she is the sum of my parts.
It does get better. So much better.