My mother and my husband keep telling me that things always seem worse at night. The thoughts come rolling in and everything seems overwhelming.
It’s not a good time to be thinking about my predicaments. We just got back from our trip and we’re all still adjusting to the time difference. Joe made me promise I wouldn’t dwell on being cut from Care2 (changes happening, fewer bloggers needed) and the added stress of that lost income while we were away. I was supposed to enjoy our trip.
And then we landed and I got annoyed and angry right away. I got teary. All the things that I wasn’t thinking about were presenting themselves.
Since then we’ve had bad nights. The kid won’t sleep, we don’t sleep, after she finally falls asleep she wakes up. The only person she wants is me.
Tonight she went to bed with no issues. I relaxed a little. but there is still a near constant fear that she’s going to wake up and it’s going to start for another night.
Tonight I should be asleep. I should be sleeping while she sleeps.
Every time I lie down my head aches and the thoughts start pouring in and I toss and I turn and things start to feel desperate. I’m doing so much but there is something that I’m not doing and so much I could be doing better or something I could be doing more of.
It’s the curse of motherhood. I lie awake and think of all the many places I’m falling down as this little person snores away in her room. She is a blessing, she is love, she is my everything but she can’t be everything to me.