I’ve been struggling lately. I’m trying to get more work done, trying to keep on top of things, trying to bring in an income. My back has been acting up again and I’ve been forced to lie down a lot because of spasms. It’s been hard the last two weeks. She’s been up early and active and demanding and I’ve been less able to do everything she asks of me.
This morning we were sitting downstairs watching the Olympics. She was doing her events – even won a medal for Canada – and I was clapping for her and her doll Rosie (and for Adam Van Koeverden, who moved on to the finals in his event. I had my computer open and I was drinking my coffee, sitting on the couch, trying not to pay attention to how tired I am.
Suddenly the kid was on the loveseat, she had her toy computer in her lap, her doll was beside her. She turned on a pretend TV and told Rosie to watch Blue’s Clues because she had some work to do and her back was sore.
And my heart fell.
Right there I didn’t know how she felt about our morning routine.
It used to be my favourite part of the day. When I was on mat leave, she would wake up and I would sit her in the high chair and give her some breakfast. I could watch her eat while I drank my coffee, talk to her while I caught up with Twitter. I loved it, our quiet time. Now she’s a toddler and she doesn’t sit still for as long. She demands my attention more often and it can be frustrating when I’m trying to finish just one more thing.
When I was working I lost our mornings completely. I had to be at work by 7, which meant I had to be out of the house by 6. She was often still asleep when I left, and even if she wasn’t, everything was rushed. Back then it felt like I was abandoning her for work and missing out on everything. Now it feels as though I’m always working and she’s still not getting enough of me.
I’m stuck in this zone where I’m never doing enough and I’m always distracted.
She sees everything.