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The face of things

July 30th, 2012 | Posted by Amy Boughner in Personal

So here is the fact: I’m afraid to fail again. I’m afraid to start over again. I’m tired and it’s hard. I’m afraid of hurting myself. I’m scared to go into some fitness class and get red in the face and sweaty and not be able to do it.

I’m afraid of never feeling fit, of never being able to do things I want to do.

I’m afraid of always being afraid.

The fact is I quit my job, I’m working from home, I’m taking care of my daughter, I’m sharing my thoughts with the world here and here and here.

These are all things I would have been afraid to do – every single one. But I’m doing them.

So why does sugar get to win? Why am I going to let that beat me?

Because it’s too hard. Because I’m tired. Because it’s uncomfortable. Because it takes time.

The voice inside my head reminds me that in my family there’s a history of heart disease, that I have PCOS which will get worse the heavier I am and could lead to cancer, that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life angry that I can’t change.

Do I eat this big of chips or that load of chocolate, or do I get active, gain energy and live through more of my daughter’s life.

This fear? This is stupid fear. This fear is no more that what I’ve pushed through before.

It’s not going to get any easier, but it can sure as hell get a lot harder.

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