About two years ago I went out for roller derby. It was a great big thing that I had been thinking about since I went to a bout (actually the night we told some friends I was pregnant). It seemed like tough fun fitness with women that made sense to me. It was totally out of my comfort zone and it was hard to walk down the stairs leaving the gym that first night.

I was pumped.

And then I didn’t go back.

Until last year, when I was not alone – some wonderful friends decided to take the plunge with me. Which made me feel even worse about myself when I couldn’t even make it through the first open house.

I have been unfit all my life. The closest I have come to being fit was the year before my wedding. I was eating smarter, I lost 30 lbs, I was riding the exercise bike and sometimes walking to school and enjoying the exercise. I felt better in general.

Now I’m in a place where I’m fat and only going to get fatter. I’m unfit. There are things that wear me out that shouldn’t. I haven’t been eating well at all and I give in to cravings more often than not.

I have all these reasons that I need to change, that it’s only going to get harder, and I’m pissed off at myself but at the same time I don’t care. Lately I’ve been at a level of stress and I have been stress eating. I am fully aware of the reason behind my Doritos lunches and my Coffee Crisp morning snacks. I’m even embarrassed by it and trying to hide my eating habits. I feel disgusting.

But everything is hard. Work is hard, parenting is hard, staying awake some days is hard. Exercise is definitely hard. And with all this hard stuff, I can’t push myself enough to focus on more hard stuff.

So here I am, caught in the same old cycle. Knowing that every month I tell myself ‘next month will be easier’ and it really just never is.

But it’s spring – or at least it feels like spring. I love walking with my daughter in the sunshine, and playing with her in the park. I look forward to taking her on bike rides some evenings. I know now that when I have French fries she asks to have some too.

I can’t stay stuck like this for too much longer, because all those reasons that I told myself I had to change are here now. She sees me, she models after me, and I’m losing the energy to play with her.

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